If you live in my city, you’ve either being a Jolene (or accused of being a Jolene) or a Dolly at least once.
Now, before we get ahead of ourselves and you think ‘what city is she talking about!’. Think about it for a second – WTH is she even talking about?
Now I know most of my 90’s babies get this pop culture reference (can it even still be referred to as pop culture? Did pop culture even exist then? Oh, I have no idea) but for the slim margin that don’t (first of all, you should be ashamed of yourself), I’ll start by way of introducing our actors.
Jolene. Will likely take your man (just because she can). Beautiful beyond comparison. Ivory skin. Eyes of emerald green (likely contacts). Flaming locks of auburn hair (likely a wig). Smile like breath of spring. Voice soft as summer rain. Works at the local bank. Smiles a lot. Was probably a cheerleader. Can throw it down on a Friday night. Can have her choice of men. Bad bih.
Dolly. Average. Can def not compete with Jolene. Puff hair. Nice smile but there’s def nothing to smile about so she doesn’t smile alot. Married to the man of her dreams. Cries a lot. Understanding. Can not ‘zanku’ to save her life. Thinks ‘shaku shaku’ is a place. But she sings beautifully. Wife-next-door. Spies on hubby.
So now. Jolene works at the local bank innit? Now, how you work at a bank and not talk to your customers? This nuh make sense.
Now Dolly who only just finally snagged the love of her life and is paranoid as hell gotta misconstrue Jolene’s innocuous ‘Hello, Mr. Ayo. Welcome to City Bank. How may I help you?’ to mean ‘Oh, gaze upon my emerald eyes. Get lost in the warmth of my sultry voice…’
I mean, how is it Jolene’s fault she’s so damn attractive, anyways?
So now. Dolly mad insecure. She mad scared too. She begging Jolene not to take her man. She crying and wailing and being dramatic as all get out. (But to be honest, what she want Jolene to do though? Shave off her hair? Tape her eyes?) I mean, chile sis. Where is the self-respect? The self-esteem? You’re that BITCH. Your vertically challenged, slacked-jaw, Jolene-muttering man does not deserve all the tears and sweat and grovelling. So, sis. This is what you should do instead:
1. Confront your Jolene-muttering husband and DEMAND that your name be the name he mutters in his sleep because you know why? You’re ALL THAT, that’s why! So, Jolene didn’t take those vows with you, your man did. So when something’s askew, who’s gonna catch those hands? Him, baby. If you must BEG, beg yo mans sis. Don’t put no pressure on Jolene (that’s gaslighting), baby girl just tryna live her best life.
2. Leave the city. Grab your man by the ears and RUN away from Jolene because ain’t no competition babe.
Pro: You can put the whole Jolene situation behind you.
Con: There’s another Jolene where you running towards. Might even be a better Jolene. A badder Jolene.
Another pro: You keep running. Adventure in numerous cities. ‘Operation Keep my Man Away from Bad Bitches’.
3. BEG JOLENE. I know I said avoid contact with Jolene. But there is ONE situation where you can grovel and that is when you’re asking Jolene to teach you how to be fly as hell. Get hair and beauty tips, skincare hacks, go shopping with her. And who knows? Maybe.. Just maybe, then, you’ll have the confidence to kick your no-good mans out and live your best life.
Win-win. Again. amirite?
EXCEPT when Jolene’s coming on to your mans and he saying ‘nah’ like the Drake meme. In that case, DESTROY HER! Or just sit back and watch her try. Whatevs.